


On a Scale of Yondu to Thanos

by meraculas



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Character Death Fix, Gen, Humor, Post Episode 3x22 Ascension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-19
Updated: 2017-03-07
Packaged: 2018-06-09 11:27:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6903994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meraculas/pseuds/meraculas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"On a scale of 1 to 10, one being Yondu and ten being Thanos, how evil exactly is this space friend of yours?" That was how Lincoln found himself to not be dead, but still in space.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I own absolutely nothing. Shame, think of the cash I could have had (I might even be able to afford socks without holes in them).
> 
> In a very humorous occurrence, just as Lincoln and Hive looked back at Earth before they died in the final SHIELD episode my phone went off, and a friend who loves Guardians of the Galaxy and made 'Hooked on a Feeling' their ringtone, called. So I've had that scene stuck in my head for a couple days: Lincoln and Hive in space about to die when 'Hooked on a Feeling' begins to play.
> 
> I don't think this idea has surfaced in the few days since the season ended, but here we go.

          "On a scale of 1 to 10, one being Yondu and ten being Thanos, how evil exactly is this space friend of yours?"

          "What?" He'd been pretty out of it because of the blood loss and the lack of gravity and the 'hey look, that's Earth' but he had absolutely no idea what the raccoon was talking about. And, talking raccoon? He wouldn't believe it if the thing wasn't right in front of him, and when had he stopped floating?

          "How evil is this guy?" The tall one with a red leather jacket and strange ... thing, on his face asked, sharing a look with the scary green chick.

          "He ... enslaved ... corrupted ... humanity." He was blinking in and out of consciousness, the world - ha, he wasn't on Earth anymore - spinning in and out of focus and blackness.

          "I was trying to, if it hadn't been for you and S.H.I.E.L.D." Hive half grumbled half spit beneath the foot and wicked looking blade of the seriously scary yellow-green dude with red markings.

          "That'd be about a Ronan." Weird mask stated, "Where did we figure he was again? Eight or nine."

          The green woman was shaking her head in what seemed exasperation, "Eight was the Shi'ar woman you decided was hot and then tried to vaporize us on a molecular level."

          "So Ronan was nine?"

          "Yup." The talking raccoon confirmed. "Eight and a half is Drax when he's starving, and Gamora's favourite sister is seven."

          "I am Groot?" The giant tree - that apparently also spoke - said from behind the strange group.

          "We still haven't found a nine and a half." The green woman calming stated.

          "I am Groot."

          "Why would we learn the particulates of this dude's plans for Terra?" The weird mask guy asked confused.

          "I am Groot."

          Mask guy nodded, "Oh, okay see that makes sense."

          Lincoln must have completely blacked out again, because when he next understood what was going on, the tree had its branches wrapped around him and was pulling him towards the weird mask guy and the raccoon, both who had terrifying looking guns drawn and pointed at Hive who was standing and staring down the two odd coloured individuals, both of whom had seriously sharp blades in their hands. And they looked like they knew how to use them.

          "Why the hell would you try to do that to the defenceless Terrans?" Mask guy demanded.

          "I was trying to save them!" Hive somehow managed to yell while keeping his voice calm and even.

          The raccoon snorted, "Right, like Ronan was trying to save Xandar when he nearly erased it and all its people from existence." The raccoon shook it's head now, and pulled out a second gun from who knew where that was as big as his first and both were as big as it. "I say we blast him."

          "Ronan was not trying to save anyone, vermin." Strange markings commented.

          "It was- ... Ah! Drax is hopeless, Quill."

          "It's Star-Lord!" The strange mask guy demanded sounding clearly frustrated. "And it was a figure of speech Drax."

          "I am Groot." The tree said again, now holding Lincoln aloft over his shoulder.

          "Things are looking really grey here, guys." He managed to croak before grey again turned to black.

 

          The next time Lincoln woke up he was laying on what certainly seemed like a bed, but since a green woman and a tree were standing over him he wasn't entirely sure. He blinked several times in confusion before shooting up and trying to crawl away from them. All with blinding white hot pain tearing through his side.

          "You need to rest, Terran, you almost died." The green woman said calmly as she reached out a hand to take his arm.

          Without thinking, Lincoln responding to her touch with electric sparks. The woman went rigid as the electricity ran threw her, but didn't make a sound, she did manage to remove her hand from his arm though.

          "I am Groot." The tree said. When the hell could trees talk? And why did it sound like the tree was laughing as it said that?

          "Yes, perhaps that wasn't the best idea." The woman muttered. "Lincoln Campbell, you have nothing to fear from us."

          He shook his head, "How do you know my name?"

          "I am Groot." The tree said again, reaching out a branch - arm? - and picking up something from the table next to him. It was his SHIELD ID card. The damn thing he had to keep on a stupid lanyard and had come to wear almost like a cross beneath his shirt, all because he kept forgetting it. Even though the lanyard itched like a bitch, which was why he had always been forgetting it. Stupid Koenig insisted the ugly orange lanyard itself was essential, not just the key and ID card that hung from it.

          He groaned seeing it hanging from Groot's ... hand? "God I hate that thing."

          "It is a very bright colour." The green woman commented, staring at it oddly. "And it scratches the skin."

          Lincoln rolled his eyes and snorted, "Why do you think I hate it?" The woman seemed to concede the point while the tree put the lanyard back on the table. After a moment of awkward silence, Lincoln asked, "So who are you?"

          "I am Groot." The tree explained, bowing.

          "Yes, and I am Gamora." The woman added, not bowing. "Our other companions, whom you met earlier are Drax, Rocket, and Peter Quill."

          "It's _Star-Lord_!" A male voice shouted childishly from the other side of the metal door that Lincoln now spied.

          Gamora, and somehow the tree, both rolled their eyes and Lincoln's pretty sure he could now make out the sounds of people arguing outside the room he was in. Bits of pieces of being in the quinjet with Hive were also now coming back to him and he was pretty sure he knew who Drax was, and now Quill - or Star-Lord - and that meant the talking raccoon was Rocket.

          "Where am I?" He asked recalling the fact that he had been in space when he encountered them.

          "The Milano, it is Quill's ship."

          "Star-Lord!" Quill yelled indignantly again, and a second later the door opened and the man with the strange mask came in, only he didn't have the mask and he looked remarkably human. "And speaking of ships, I hope you weren't attached to yours because Rocket blew it up with the evil bad guy inside. We told him not to, that we should bring Alveus to the Nova Corp, but it's Rocket."

          "There was already on bomb on the ship, all I did was reengage it." The raccoon, Rocket, commented dryly. "Were you trying to blow yourself up for a reason? Should we be worried?"

          Lincoln shook his head, "I was trying to stop him from concurring Earth."

          "Nine and a half." Gamora muttered with a nod. "Causing instant death, delusions of grandeur, attempts at concurring the world, megalomania, God-like complex, and brainwashing. Nine and a half." No one seemed to pay her any attention as she murmured.

          "Yeah, you mentioned that, sort of." Quill said, "You weren't making a lot of sense, but that might have been the blood loss."

          "What is Earth?" The big guy with strange markings, Drax, asked.

          Quill rolled his eyes and threw his hands into the air, "Terra! You know, where I'm from!"

          Gamora shook her head at everyone while Groot cocked his head to the side and asked, "I am Groot?"

          "He is right, Inhumans live in Attilan, and that is not on Terra." Drax stated.

          Lincoln looked around at the group of oddballs and had to physically shake himself, "What?"

          Rocket rolled his eyes and climbed up onto Lincoln bed, "Inhumans, which we managed to get from Alveus, or Hive as you called him, such as yourself, live in Attilan on the Blue Area of the Moon. They've been there for centuries after fleeing the Kree on Terra."

          "No, the Inhumans have been living on Earth for centuries, ever since the Kree made us. Hive was banished to Maveth by the Inhumans and humans working together."

          "Maveth?" Quill asked curious.

          "I am Groot."

          "If it was a prison, that would certainly explain why the Kree guard it so completely." Gamora added to whatever Groot said.

          He stared at them confused for another minute before asking again, "What?"

          "Maveth is a planet just outside the Kree empire, but they have ships out guarding it. So if it was a prison, that would explain why they are guarding a barren planet that's not actually part of their empire." Rocket explained, pacing back and forth next to Lincoln's legs.

          He put a hand to his forehead and felt for a fever. He didn't seem to have one. "I need a minute. Nothing is making sense."

          "Okay, everyone out." Quill immediately demanded. "I'm going to have a Terran heart-to-heart with our guest."

          "Would you like one of my knives?" Drax asked as Gamora began ushering everyone through the door.

          Quill looked disgusted and shook his head, "What? No ... that's ... _NO_!"

          Drax shrugged at left the room, the door hissed shut behind everyone and Lincoln was left with the group's only Terran. Earthling!

          "What's confusing you, because I've been in much the same place once. See about thirty years ago I was grabbed off of Terra by the Ravagers, space thieves, and raised by Yondu. And Yondu threatened to let his crew eat me if I ever stepped out of line."

          Lincoln blinked taking in the other man's disturbing history. "Everything."

          Quill nodded, "We can start at the beginning. Ask away."

          "Where the hell am I?"

          "The Milano, it's my ship. And we're in space. You've been unconscious for a while but we stayed close to Terra. Sort of, when we managed to get from Alveus - Hive - that you were both Inhuman, we moved closer to Attilan."

          "What is Attilan?" He asked latching onto that and wondering about Inhumans living on the moon.

          "Attilan is the city where all Inhuman's live. Or at least everyone thinks all Inhumans live there."

          "Yes, but they don't. And you said something about them fleeing Terra-" he shook his head, he'd been near these weird people too long already -"Earth."

          "They did. When the Kree learned their experiments worked they planned to lock the Inhumans away-"

          "I know that." Lincoln interrupted. "They created the Monolith to destroy us, but it was actually a portal to Maveth. The Kree then created Hive to lead their army into Maveth, but he rebelled against them. Eventually the Inhumans came to fear him and working with the humans, they banished him to Maveth instead."

          "Huh, did not know that part. The Inhuman history I know is that when the Kree arrived on Terra to ... exterminate ... their 'failed experiments' which were meant to be soldiers, the Inhumans fled Terra in one of the Kree ships and settled on the Blue Area of the Moon. I guess they left some Inhumans behind."

          Lincoln nodded suddenly angry with these space Inhumans for abandoning everyone. Quill seemed to consider something for a moment then added, "Or maybe they left the other Inhumans behind on purpose because they already saw that Hive was a threat and they didn't know how to deal with him and the army he gathered." Quill shrugged, "Or maybe they just didn't know there were other Inhumans."

          "It doesn't matter, they left us there." Lincoln ground out angrily, sparks dancing on his skin.

          "We could talk to someone from Attilan about it." Quill offered, "I'm sure the Royal family would try to help if we bring the matter to them. That and the Inhumans are the only people not actively trying to arrest us."

          Lincoln looked at Quill in mixed shock and horror for a moment. But instead shook his head. "I think it would be better if I stayed away from them."

          "Right." Quill muttered, "Perhaps a friendly service announcement then. Like 'hey, took a trip to Terra and ran across a bunch of your fellow Inhumans, might want to look into that' sort of thing."

          Lincoln nodded, "Yeah, sure, whatever."

          Quill frowned, "Alright, what else has got you confused?"

          "I just-" He shook his head, "Everything is just so ..."

          "Unbelievable?" Lincoln nodded. "Yeah, I can believe that. Do you want us to drop you back on Terra?"

          Lincoln considered it for a moment then shook his head, "No. I said goodbye to everyone." He laughed lightly, without humour, "I thought I was going to die. I didn't want to, no one does, but I had made peace with it, I kind of wanted it."

          "That's dark."

          Lincoln laughed, "Yeah, but you know how when you finally come to grips with something, you accept it because you know it's inevitable. I did that, I accepted that I was going to die in that quinjet with Hive, I was ready for it, and now, I'm not dead." He looked around the room completely now and noticed it was some sort of med ward. "I did a lot of bad stuff, and for a moment I thought that was my way of atoning."

          "Hey, why don't you join us if you don't want to go to Terra or Attilan." Quill suddenly exclaimed rather randomly. "Everyone here is a misfit without a place they belong, except that we belong together. Okay, yes, we are for the most part criminals, each of us with lengthy criminal files and multiple arrest warrants, and this is after we saved Xandar a few years ago and had them cleared. But we are also a family without a home except the one we've made together. And if you tell any of the others I said that, I will drop you from the airlock without a breathing mask."

          Lincoln laughed at the threat but gave the offer serious thought. Slowly he began to smile, "I _had_ always wanted to be Han Solo when I grew up."

          "Who's that?"

          "Star Wars?"

          "Oh right, I think I remember something about that! God, whatever happened to that?"

          "When were you abducted?"

          "1988."

          "They finished the original trilogy, they made a prequel trilogy that had it's good and bad moments - admittedly more bad than good, Jar Jar Binks, - and they just released the first film in a sequel trilogy."

          "Damn. I never saw those movies."

          Lincoln laughed. It was a full laugh that racked his body. Maybe being dead wasn't such a bad thing? Of course, hanging out with these idiots - because he could already tell they were idiots - might just actually get him dead, instead of believed to be dead.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drabble add-on that simply explains the scale.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've been sitting on a mock up list detailing that scale (you know, from the title) and thought that I might as well do something with it. So here is a nice little humorous explanation of what makes up the scale and how Lincoln learned the order of the items/individuals that make it up.

          He'd been with the crazy group of idiots for a few months and had already been arrested four times. Of course one of those times was his fault; how was he supposed to know that saying hello to someone in a certain part of the galaxy would be considered a death threat?

          Either way, Lincoln had been with the self proclaimed Guardians of the Galaxy--Nova proclaimed, pains in the ass--for a few months when he finally asked over the table they normally ate at, and where Rocket was currently building _another_ bomb--he'd gotten over that after the first month--about their scale. It had been mentioned several times since he had first heard of it on the quinjet and having finally met Yondu the other day he was really interested.

          "What exactly is this scale of yours?" was how the ensuing discussion began.

          "Well you've met Yondu" Quill stated simply, "so that should be obvious."

          Oh yes, Lincoln had met Yondu. He has a scar on his shoulder from where that bastard's arrow had torn through him, missing his head because thankfully he'd been fast enough to dive.

          "And you know the Nova Corp" Rocket added, "so that's one and two."

          "And Thanos is the worst, I've heard all about him from Drax" Lincoln stated, "so what's the rest?"

          "Nebula has been placed at seven" Gamora offered looking up from the Archie comic Peter had had with him when Yondu had abducted him.

          "Right, and there was something about a Shi'ar woman trying to vaporize Quill as number eight."

          "All of us" Drax corrected, "she wanted to vaporize all of us, on a molecular level, because Quill did not contact her after having sex with her."

          "I was busy, I forgot!" Quill yelled sounding like this was a frequent discussion. "Ronan is nine."

          "I am Groot."

          "What are they?" Lincoln asked having over time come to understand the talking tree.

          "They find a host and take over them. For the most part they're a peaceful bunch but they can corrupt their host." Gamora replied, "The Klyntar don't actually need a host to survive if they are on their planet I believe, off it I am not certain. Quill finds them 'creepy'" she finished even using air quotes. "Did I do that correct?"

          "You did" he confirmed.

          "I am Groot."

          "I don't see how the Collector could be a scale now that his collection's been destroyed."

          Rocket laughed, "Doesn't matter, he'd still four. Don't get me wrong, he's great for high payment, which is why he'd only four, but he wants to add Groot and I to his collection. And some of what he collects-" Rocket broke off with a whistle.

          Quill took up the explanation, "The Kree Empire as a whole are six, simply because of how large they are and how much they hate us for exposing Ronan as a corrupt son of a bitch."

          "Alright, so that just leaves-" Lincoln paused for a moment to count them out--in order--in his head, "number five."

          Gamora growled and slammed her sword--point down--through the table. "The Brood."

          "They have a history" Rocket stage whispered behind a hand.

          Lincoln raised a brow and regarded his green companion, the female one, not Drax. The others all stayed silent though, not bothering to offer further explanation. He sighed and asked, "What are the Brood?"

          Quill shivered, "Creepy fuckers."

          "They are evil and poisonous. They are savage beings that infect other beings in order to reproduce" Drax answered angrily, his knives flashing as he spoke.

          "Retched monsters" Gamora growled in a way that had Lincoln fearing for everyone's safety. She stormed off shortly afterwards.

          "I am Groot" Groot explained after several tense moments of awkward silence.

          "Yeah I think we all got that Groot" Quill muttered, eyes on the door Gamora had disappeared through.

          "Right," Lincoln said into the silence that followed, "anything else I should know about on this scale?"

          "Drax is eight and a half," Rocket commented, "at least when he's hungry, but that you should well know already."

          "Drax is not eight and a half" Quill sighed, sounding like a teacher scolding a child. Drax growled and both knives flashed. Quill rolled his eyes, "Fine, a hungry Drax is eight and a half."

          "I approve" the heavily marked man stated with a smile and a nod of his head.

          "Alveus ... Hive, is nine and a half" Rocket supplied.

          "I'd put Ultron around there as well" he supplied off handedly.

          "Who?" Quill asked.

          "Ultron, robot that tried to destroy humanity in order to save it. In a twisted, perverse way it actually made sense. He was, supposedly, designed to protect humanity, but unfortunately he also saw humanity as the problem. He also had access to all of Earth's tech, so he basically controlled everything." Lincoln took a moment to let that statement sink in with himself, "kind of enough to make you want to become a Luddite."

          "A what?"

          "Luddite, it's someone that spurns technology."

          "Yeah, this Ultron would probably be up there on the scale. Have to think about where exactly."

          "Then there's Jiaying," Lincoln said in response to Quill statement, "kind of like Hive but _nowhere_ near as dramatic in scale. Worst thing with her was that I blindly followed her" he shook his head at his own blindness, "I was a real idiot there."

          "Hey, we're all idiots" Rocket stated, throwing his hands in the air. "This is the idiots club, idiots welcome!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Turns out that the Symbiotes are actually called Klyntar, it was actually revealed in a Guardians of the Galaxy issue a couple years back; who knew, I only learned that during a wiki dive to refresh the memory. Also had to wiki dive for The Brood information, having only the vaguest recollection about them. So forgive any errors, I tried but it'd been a long time since my comic reading days (which only actually lasted a couple years).


End file.
